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I'm sure everyone has one.

This one is one of my favorites.

Our family got a LIVE turkey for Thanksgiving. My aunt spent time sending email to Ecuador trying to figure out how she would off the poor bird.

Even though she grew up in a 3rd world town in a 3rd world country, she had never murdered a creature.

But this time, she did.

Good Lord, tell you what, that was a great tasting turkey!!

And all I could manage to ask during dinner was...

...is it fresh?

Oh, so many

One that I thought was funny at the time was Christmas eve a bunch of years ago.

My Uncle Jim drove home drunk and got picked up. Well who does he call to get him at the local cop shop but Uncle Bob (Bob could and has drunk Jim under the table, both are raging alcoholics). Well the inevitable happens and I get the call to pick them both up. Well I am drunk as well and am not about to risk my job to pick them both up and tell them that they can sit in jail and maybe learn a valuable lesion. Well they didn’t talk to me after that and they also didn’t learn their lesion because the next year Jim got picked up again on the same day by the same cop. (Bob wasn’t called nor was I)

Well I can't remember many recent stories as I have been getting drunk pre-dinners just so I can tolerate being around family for more than a few hours...
My extended family does not get along well with my immediate family, so I tend to sit and watch football [drinking] eat, then sit in front of the tv until it's time to go. So needless to say my holidays are a combo of "National Lampoons Christmas Vacation" and "Beerfest."

Thankfully, I live with my lady about 2,000 miles from any family, so we are beginning to enjoy our own holidays together

Airfoilsguy wrote:Oh, so many

One that I thought was funny at the time was Christmas eve a bunch of years ago.

My Uncle Jim drove home drunk and got picked up. Well who does he call to get him at the local cop shop but Uncle Bob (Bob could and has drunk Jim under the table, both are raging alcoholics). Well the inevitable happens and I get the call to pick them both up. Well I am drunk as well and am not about to risk my job to pick them both up and tell them that they can sit in jail and maybe learn a valuable lesion. Well they didn’t talk to me after that and they also didn’t learn their lesion because the next year Jim got picked up again on the same day by the same cop. (Bob wasn’t called nor was I)

Wow I thought it was only my best friend who goes to bail someone out from a DUI while still drunk himself and ends up sharing a cell with him I'll have to let him know he's not alone.

Where to start?

My Mother was a socialite (for the UK members, think Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous) with a penchant for heavy drinking & smoking and often Herculean consumption of various legal & illegal substances. This was the main reason I left home aged fourteen and didn't really speak to her after, but when she wasn't being a complete selfish arse, she did have the ability to perform legendary acts of humourous stupidity.

My Father called me one day to tell me that they had front row seats for a Gene Pitney concert, which was going to be shown live on CMTV (which didn't last long in the UK). So I decided to leave the TV on while getting ready for a night out to see if I could spot my parents in the crowd. Bobby Crush was the support act (very poor man's Elton John) and as he finished a song he asked the audience if there were any requests. As clear as a bell, my Mother's voice came form the TV, shouting "yeah, fuck off and get Gene Pitney on, wanker". The camera panned round to my Mother, wine bottle in hand, launching a verbal tirade at Mr. Crush, while my Father attempted to hide beneath his seat. He didn't see the funny side, but I thought it was hilarious

My grandfather is an accountant and, after completing a particularly arduous set of accounts for a client in pretty much record time, he marked his gratitude by providing us with a crab. A fresh, alive, and very much snipping crab. Nobody in the family knew what to do with it and nobody could bring themselves to kill it, so at 2am we set off for the seafront in Plymouth and repatriated this poor creature to the sea. God knows what anyone would have thought if they'd seen us, lugging a bin bag down the steps to the beach!

I suppose I should mention a (luckily) funny mistake which I made just a couple of days ago. My girlfriend has a bunch of Chinese Crested dogs, which are the odd looking ones with no body hair, and because of this they have to be smothered in suncream before they go outside when it's hot - not the nicest of jobs; it's like trying to apply lotion to a fast moving eel. So anyway, I'm in the kitchen drinking my coffee early in the morning and one of them comes up to me, so I though I'd grab it there and then as I had the sun cream handy... or so I thought. I plastered this dog up and then put it outside along with the labrador and collie, where it decided to stay for most of the day, worshipping the sun like a Liverpudlian on the Costa del Sol.

Now fast forwards to the evening when my girlfriend comes home from work, a little bit red from the sun, and decides to apply some extra sun cream, which I motion to pick up, only to find that she's already plucked it from a different sideboard to the one I was reaching for. OK, alarm bells are ringing, that's definately not what I put on the dog earlier. Both cannisters are white, with a yellow and green motiff, and a yellow plastic lid, but what I hadn't seen were the words 'FRY-LIGHT' printed on the cannister which I had used. Yeap, I'd sprayed low calorie cooking oil all over the poor dog, rubbed it in for good measure, and then sent it out into the sun to roast. Happily the dog was fine, no ill affects, but that was very nearly me in the dog house for a long time!