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Humor

Everything that would not belong anywhere else.
 

miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 13 Jan 17, 10:25Post
The head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..

The brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.

The brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.

The brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.

"A Diet Coke?!," exclaim the others.. "don't you drink Guinness?"

"Well shit, since no one else was having beer I didn't want to be the only one," he complained.
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 01 Feb 17, 18:10Post
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.

"Could you give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Sure will."

The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his. 44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it -- that’ll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the Young man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.

"See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much. It will feel a bit better!!!"
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
ShyFlyer (Founding Member) 05 Feb 17, 02:22Post
I supposed this could be filed under "Snowglobes...", but it's intended to make you laugh, so here it is:

6545_n.jpg
6545_n.jpg (44.03 KiB) Viewed 5699 times
Make Orwell fiction again.
helvknight (Founding Member) 14 Feb 17, 15:36Post
Maybe we need a political humor thread to go with the political memes and political cartoons threadd. Anyhow,

Donald Trump has announced that now he’s President he’s going to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
.
He wants to make America grate again.


How many Donald Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

Look, we can change the light bulb. That I will tell you. We’re changing it, ok? And I understand what you’re saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say “Is the light bulb really dead?”. That’s what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The light bulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
helvknight (Founding Member) 11 Mar 17, 17:37Post
For the last few weeks I've been on the Katie Hopkins diet.

It's been working really well, when I got on the scales this morning I found that I'd lost 24,000 pounds.
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
helvknight (Founding Member) 21 Mar 17, 17:30Post
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
halls120 (Plank Owner) 24 Mar 17, 11:22Post
THE BOEING BUTTON

It has recently been announced that all new generation Airbus aircraft are to be retrofitted with a large red button in the middle of the forward instrument panel. This button is to be named The Boeing Button. In future, when an Airbus fails to respond to normal input and the pilots lose control, the pilots are to push The Boeing Button.

This action will have the follow effects;

1. Two normal aircraft control sticks will rise from the floor and take over control from the dopey sidesticks installed by Airbus.

2. Design philosophy will automatically change from “The Airbus flies the pilot” to “The pilot flies the aircraft.”

3. All Airbus Laws, such as Normal Law, Alternate Law etc etc will revert to what has been in use for 100 years, i.e. “Pull back to go up”.
The throttles will move corresponding to power output. All the way forward gives full power, and all the way back is idle thrust.
The aircraft then can be safely flown without a constant battle for control with onboard computers.

After landing, it can be put up for sale, or scrapped. Funds thereby realized may then be used to purchase a real pilot’s aircraft, any Boeing.

Even a Douglas Dial would be nice.
At home in the PNW and loving it
Mark 04 Apr 17, 23:16Post
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Commercial aircraft flown in: B712 B722 B732 B734 B737 B738 B741 B742 B744 B752 B753 B762 B772 A310 A318 A319 A320 A321 DC91 DC93 DC94 DC1030 DC1040 F100 MD82 MD83 A223 CR2 CR7 E175
helvknight (Founding Member) 05 Apr 17, 10:32Post
Luke, I am your grandmother.

Image
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
ShyFlyer (Founding Member) 10 May 17, 17:28Post
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."
Make Orwell fiction again.
helvknight (Founding Member) 16 May 17, 04:27Post
Theresa May goes on a live T.V. debate on the B.B.C., after intense pressure, by the British public to hear her policies on important matters such as the NHS. Dimbleby keeps asking her questions about waiting times and privatisation of the NHS but, she can only answer "strong and stable" to them, over and over again. "Why do you answer 'strong and stable' to everything?" asks David Dimbleby and she replies "strong and stable". Dimbleby shakes his head in disbelief, turns to Corbyn and asks him why does he think Theresa May keeps on saying "strong and stable", Corbyn says " I'm not sure David, but I know we're all sick of repeats on the B.B.C."
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 23 May 17, 09:44Post
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 24 May 17, 12:06Post
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 09 Jun 17, 11:21Post
All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.

Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.

The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked, "Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Foyt?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.

"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"

"You'd swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Foyt, anytime, anywhere,"insisted Ted.

"Good. Then you fire her."
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 05 Jul 17, 17:42Post
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun.

His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke.................

"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied: “I wasn't."
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
Zak (netAirspace FAA) 21 Aug 17, 10:16Post
True story, Ed? {mischief}

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Ideology: The mistaken belief that your beliefs are neither beliefs nor mistaken.
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 29 Aug 17, 14:48Post
A Cuban and a Redneck.....
A Redneck walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by talking very loud in Spanish and wearing a Marlin's baseball cap and gesticulating like a wind-mill.
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is from Miami, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear,
"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Cuban over there."
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Cuban gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Muchas Gracias and "Sankiu!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Redneck. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Cuban.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Cuban guy. He continues to smile and again yells, "Sankiu".

The Redneck asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that guy? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the stupid idiot does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?".

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
helvknight (Founding Member) 09 Oct 17, 12:02Post
The Magnificent Seven appeared in a series of adverts for an aftershave.

It was filmed at Liverpool's Anfield football ground.

Only six of them took part, because Yul never wore cologne.
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
helvknight (Founding Member) 10 Nov 17, 17:00Post
Halloween at Vic's?

Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 10 Nov 17, 17:58Post
That was funny, and not far from the truth. :))
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
Coz 13 Nov 17, 23:45Post
miamiair wrote:
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."


How dare you, shame! {frown}
ANCFlyer (netAirspace ATC & Founding Member) 30 Nov 17, 15:03Post
A U.S. Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in
Jacksonville, NC .

He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning, cop
hating, anti-Trump protester."

The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to
discuss your community service."
LET'S GO BRANDON!!!!
ANCFlyer (netAirspace ATC & Founding Member) 30 Nov 17, 15:23Post
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reasons.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nations Capital.

A search for a virgin also continues .

There was, however, no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.
LET'S GO BRANDON!!!!
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 05 Dec 17, 10:18Post
Millennial Job Interview
https://vimeo.com/239050403
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
helvknight (Founding Member) 11 Dec 17, 05:42Post
Щhy doэs anyoиe thiиk thэrэ is inflцeиcэ from oцtside ЦSA in its iиtэrиal mattэrs. It is very циlikэly Яцssioиs woцld care a jot. Фиly a fool woцld thiиk this
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
 

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