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And, if you think lawyers don't have heart, read one of the best lawyer stories of all time...

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,
"First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."

"Second" says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Third, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

And the lawyer says,

"So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe only in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.

I went for an audition in a new musical about Cuba. The producer said I was good and would I be an understudy to a lead; I turned it down as I didn't want to play second Fidel.

A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

I am stealing this from a comment on Yahoo in the spirit of Labor Day...

"A good old union boy goes out to Las Vegas for a convention. While he's out there, he decides to see if he can find a union brothel.

He goes to a house and asks, "Is this a union house?" The madam says, "No."
He asks, "If I give you $100 for a girl for the night, how much would the girl get?"
The madam says, "The girl would get $20, the house would get $80."

This makes the union man mad...this is not paying good wages to the employees, not taking care of them. He leaves and checks a few more brothels. Finally, a madam assures him, "Yes, this IS a union house."

The union man asks, "OK, If I give you $100 for a girl for the night, how much would the girl get?"
The madam assures him, "The girl would get $80, the house would get $20."
This makes the union rep happy...taking care of the girls, paying them good wages. He pulls out $100, hands it to the madam, and says, "I'll take that blonde over there for the evening."

The madam motions to this big, fat 55 year old woman with no teeth sitting in the other corner. She tells the union guy, "I'm sorry...I know what you want, but Big Ethel here has seniority."

Hello, You have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her handbag and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

It was announced today that the hacker group Anonymous are to launch an campaign against Daesh.

Anyone else see the irony in an Islamic terrorist group being attacked by 72 virgins?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have a vagina'? 'Yes, actually I have one,' she says. The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

What you are seeing here is the birth of a new meme. Here's the first one, hopefully of a series. Not mine.

New? The template has been around for awhile.

Donald Trump is to close his Scottish golf course.

This is due to his fear of a notorious Scottish Imam named Mullah Kintyre.

So, I was walking through Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."

I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

I phoned my boss's mobile.
"I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."
"What..?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed.
"It's five o'clock in the flipping morning!
What are you doing on a train?"...
"You tell me," I replied.
"You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."

Out Of Context Quote:

"The real silent killer is a ninja who can fart anthrax."

A good friend in the super-blue state of California asked me what I thought he might need in order to defend his home and family from home invasion, and the like.

I suggested a 9 mm, a couple of clips, and a box of shells.

A few days later he sent me this picture (below) and asked me how to make it all work.



Y'know, sometimes I really, really wonder about those people on the Left Coast...

I was walking down Market Street, Manchester a few days ago and I saw a Muslim man drop his wallet. I picked it up and ran over to him to return it.

He thanked me and then looked me in the eye and said "As you have committed an act of kindness towards me my faith says I must return the favour. I will give you a piece of advice. Don't go anywhere near Old Trafford this weekend.

My heart skipped a beat and I asked him "Why is that?"

He looked at me and said "Because the football there is absolutely minging at the moment."



A Manchester United fan walks into a Travel Agency.

He tells the agent "I'm bored, I've got trouble at home, the football at Old Trafford is dire and I just need a break. What can you recommend for a winter break?"

The agent replies "well you can't beat the Canaries at the moment."

Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day,
"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,
"OK, Goldberg, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So

Goldberg and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts,
"Goldberg! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Goldberg's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Goldberg that he thinks Goldberg's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Goldberg says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Goldberg says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Goldberg on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,
"Goldberg, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first, and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Goldberg, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Goldberg. "I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Goldberg and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Goldberg says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Goldberg emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Goldberg returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Goldberg asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,
"Who's that on the balcony with Goldberg..?"

Someone wasn't paying attention when they put out the Christmas decorations.

No points for guessing which of the above I am on Christmas.

A small zoo in North Carolina
obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female,
became very difficult to handle. Upon examination,
the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in heat.

To make matters worse, there was no
male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem,
the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck
part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but
possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he
be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have
to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he
announced that he would accept their offer, but only under
five conditions:
"First" , Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second" , he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever'
T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.


"Third" , he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth" , Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised
Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last ," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to
come up with the $500.00.

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's you’re lucky night.' We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:


'Mom....you still awake?'

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record store

...and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly.” replies the assistant.“Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful." says the expert and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant “I'm terribly sorry but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologies and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."

The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terrible sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."