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Everything that would not belong anywhere else.
 

miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 21 Apr 09, 19:32Post
What did it say?

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls Rush Limbaugh and tells him, "Rush, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Rush asks.

Mahmoud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Rush says, "You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmoud asks.

Rush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
Richie D. 21 Apr 09, 19:38Post
Some Obama satire from Germany: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOx-x1gVz9w
Nothing is more important than your health ... except for your money. - Ferengi Rule of Acquisition 23
Spicoli 21 Apr 09, 19:40Post
miamiair wrote:What did it say?

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls Rush Limbaugh and tells him, "Rush, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Rush asks.

Mahmoud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Rush says, "You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmoud asks.

Rush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
LOL. The funny part is you know the Jews are planning on bombing Tehran soon. I saw a news report about it. If it happens, my next trip to Beirut in a month could be quite the show.
I root for natural disasters.

"Feast." A novel. (by Spicoli himself)
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00FJJKOZS
Boris (Founding Member) 21 Apr 09, 19:46Post
Ralph and Charlie were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ralph said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Charlie says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. --- You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Ralph wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Notting! Then the phone rings... It's Charlie.

Charlie says, "Hey, how do you feels this morning boy?"

Ralph says, "I feels great. How about you?"

Charlie says, "I feels great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Ralph says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, notting! We ought to do this more often."

Charlie says, "Yeah, well there's just one ting...Have you farted yet boy ?"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T. I'm in Tunder Bay..."
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers...
ANCFlyer (netAirspace ATC & Founding Member) 21 Apr 09, 20:41Post
This could hvae it's own thread, but in the interest of board wide peace and civility I shall post it in Humor . . . . for now.



Rules for Non-Military

Dear Civilians, We know that the current state of affairs in our great
nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.
For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a
few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during
the playing of the National Anthem- kick their ass.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in
protest - kick their ass.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the
very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many
sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold
them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.

4. (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you
were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling
others that you used to be 'Special Forces, Collecting GI Joe
memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old Now, it
will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked..

5. Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, 'Do
you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance
deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

6. If you witness someone calling the US Coast Guard 'non-military',
Inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass.

7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on
your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your
heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be
carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a
severe ass-kicking.

8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran.
We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party
affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief
(CinC). The President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC,
Regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens
inside those big important buildings where all those representatives
meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up
the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If
you repeatedly keep asking us the same stupid questions, you will get
your ass kicked.

9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying
It! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore could kick
your ass!

10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's
go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls
are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me- if you see
anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can
go kick their ass!

11. 'Fly Boy' (Air Force), 'Jar Head' (Marines), 'Grunt' (Army), 'Squid'
(Navy), 'Puddle Jumpers' (Coast Guard), etc., are terms of endearment
we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet,
you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your
ass kicked.

12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the
military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and
religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please

remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors,
marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their
families... Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make

every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked...'

'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the
press.'

'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of
speech.'

'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom
to demonstrate.'

'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag,
and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn
the flag.'

AND ONE MORE:

13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national
anthem in Spanish or any other language- KICK THEIR ASS.

ONE LAST THING:

If you got this email and didn't pass it on -- guess what - you deserve
to get your ass kicked!!!!

I sent this to you, because I didn't want to get my ass kicked.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!
LET'S GO BRANDON!!!!
CO777ER (Database Editor & Founding Member) 21 Apr 09, 20:44Post
Boris wrote:Ralph and Charlie were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ralph said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Charlie says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. --- You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Ralph wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Notting! Then the phone rings... It's Charlie.

Charlie says, "Hey, how do you feels this morning boy?"

Ralph says, "I feels great. How about you?"

Charlie says, "I feels great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Ralph says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, notting! We ought to do this more often."

Charlie says, "Yeah, well there's just one ting...Have you farted yet boy ?"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T. I'm in Tunder Bay..."

You mispelled Thunder Bay :D
Richie D. 21 Apr 09, 20:47Post
ANCFlyer wrote:The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during
the playing of the National Anthem- kick their ass.
This should be valid in every country for every national anthem! ;)
Nothing is more important than your health ... except for your money. - Ferengi Rule of Acquisition 23
ANCFlyer (netAirspace ATC & Founding Member) 21 Apr 09, 20:56Post
Richie D. wrote:
ANCFlyer wrote:The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during
the playing of the National Anthem- kick their ass.
This should be valid in every country for every national anthem! ;)

Absolutely!

Image
LET'S GO BRANDON!!!!
mhodgson (ATC & Photo Quality Screener & Founding Member) 21 Apr 09, 21:02Post
ANCFlyer wrote:
Image


And is therefore probably a benefit cheat... :P
There's the right way, the wrong way and the railway.
Boris (Founding Member) 21 Apr 09, 22:49Post
CO777ER wrote:
Boris wrote:Ralph and Charlie were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ralph said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Charlie says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. --- You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Ralph wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Notting! Then the phone rings... It's Charlie.

Charlie says, "Hey, how do you feels this morning boy?"

Ralph says, "I feels great. How about you?"

Charlie says, "I feels great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Ralph says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, notting! We ought to do this more often."

Charlie says, "Yeah, well there's just one ting...Have you farted yet boy ?"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T. I'm in Tunder Bay..."

You mispelled Thunder Bay :D

I didn't misspell it; part of the joke went over your head...

It was sent to us by my Canadian sister-in-law, and the "notting" and "Tunder" is a dig at the Newfies...
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers...
ANCFlyer (netAirspace ATC & Founding Member) 22 Apr 09, 20:04Post
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it costs less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he works there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you wouldn¢t get pulled over. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating an Almond Joy.

New Rule: I don't need mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 35 years. It's because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
LET'S GO BRANDON!!!!
Cadet57 22 Apr 09, 21:42Post
ANCFlyer wrote:New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it costs less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he works there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you wouldn¢t get pulled over. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating an Almond Joy.

New Rule: I don't need mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 35 years. It's because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.


I cant remember if this was George Carlin or Bill Mahr (sp) But dammit, they're spot on :lol:
davestan_ksan 22 Apr 09, 22:42Post
Those are by Bill Maher, and I don't think Pep knew that 'cuz I don't think he woulda posted it if he did. :P :P
John 16:33 | Gary Johnson 2012
ANCFlyer (netAirspace ATC & Founding Member) 22 Apr 09, 22:47Post
Cadet57 wrote:I cant remember if this was George Carlin or Bill Mahr (sp) But dammit, they're spot on :lol:


Bill Maher, generally I despise the guy like a bad toothache or ex-wife, but these are funny as hell.

davestan_ksan wrote:Those are by Bill Maher, and I don't think Pep knew that 'cuz I don't think he woulda posted it if he did. :P :P


Don't count me out Dave. Some people can be assholes and still be funny. In this both apply to Maher.
LET'S GO BRANDON!!!!
davestan_ksan 22 Apr 09, 22:55Post
ANCFlyer wrote:Don't count me out Dave. Some people can be assholes and still be funny. In this both apply to Maher.


Haha, roger that. My baad.
John 16:33 | Gary Johnson 2012
helvknight (Founding Member) 23 Apr 09, 11:02Post
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress,
walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right
arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore
her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed
drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and
bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman
chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again
pointed around at all of them, revealing the same
hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a
lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his
money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina
another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and
said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you
want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg
that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
helvknight (Founding Member) 23 Apr 09, 13:03Post
Image
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 23 Apr 09, 23:39Post
Image
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
AndesSMF (Founding Member) 23 Apr 09, 23:45Post
Honest politicians are like UFOs. Most people believe that there must be some out there somewhere, but nobody has yet been able to prove their existence.
Einstein said two things were infinite; the universe, and stupidity. He wasn't sure about the first, but he was certain about the second.
Spicoli 23 Apr 09, 23:53Post
This guy goes to a bar and there's an old guy sitting there. They get to talking, about various things, and the subject of the old man's travels come up. The old man says "Then, I was wandering through the jungles of India, and I came face to face with a big Bengal Tiger, and I...I shit my pants."
The other guy goes, "Well, that's understandable, I'd probably do the same if I came face to face with a tiger like that."
The old man replies "No, just now, I just shit my pants."
I root for natural disasters.

"Feast." A novel. (by Spicoli himself)
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00FJJKOZS
helvknight (Founding Member) 25 Apr 09, 08:35Post
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, smiles and says,
'Fill the fucker with water..'
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 25 Apr 09, 17:07Post
After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man:
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after we have sex the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."?

Later, after examining the elderly gentleman's wife, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then told her:
"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"?

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
JLAmber (netAirspace ATC & Founding Member) 02 May 09, 11:42Post
This was (bizzarely) discussed on a radio phone-in that covers North-West England last night and I thought it was amusing:-



:))
A million great ideas...
halls120 (Plank Owner) 02 May 09, 20:52Post
JLAmber wrote:This was (bizzarely) discussed on a radio phone-in that covers North-West England last night and I thought it was amusing:-

:))


Well, they do have a point - they aren't Detroit.
At home in the PNW and loving it
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 04 May 09, 09:26Post
A year ago someone said Barrack Obama will be president when pigs fly.

They weren't too far off the mark, now we got swine flu...

Get it?
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
 

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