You are at netAirspace : Forum : The Combustion Chamber - Off-Topics : General Off-Topics

Humor

Everything that would not belong anywhere else.
 

helvknight (Founding Member) 17 Jul 16, 14:39Post
There has been a bad crash on the M60 Manchester Orbital motorway. A lorry carrying spiced beef has collided with a truck carrying rice.

Greater Manchester Police are saying its chilli con carnage at the scene.
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
helvknight (Founding Member) 21 Jul 16, 20:50Post
Rather shocked to hear that Donald Trump has announced that if he's elected his first act will be to ban the importation and manufacture of shredded cheese.

Apparently it's part of his strategy to Make America Grate Again.
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
Zak (netAirspace FAA) 27 Jul 16, 16:08Post
I heard that, if the Dems will win the election, Monica Lewinski's brother thinks about applying for an internship in the White House.

He said he'd look forward to work under Hillary Clinton.
Ideology: The mistaken belief that your beliefs are neither beliefs nor mistaken.
KFLLCFII 28 Jul 16, 02:07Post
Zak wrote:I heard that, if the Dems will win the election, Monica Lewinski's brother thinks about applying for an internship in the White House.

He said he'd look forward to work under Hillary Clinton.


Image
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 23 Aug 16, 09:03Post
Jesus In A Restaurant

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes! So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches.He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,"Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up,he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.

Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me.......





I'm on disability."
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
helvknight (Founding Member) 23 Aug 16, 12:02Post
Friedrich Engels was helping Karl Marx move into a new home. Engels said "Karl I have found a Stradivarius in the toilet. Thats rare"

Marx replied "No you'll always get that; Its the violins inherent in the cistern"
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 23 Aug 16, 14:14Post
Donald and Hillary Go into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail. As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie. I will definitely win the election.

Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.

Trump swallows it and asks for another one.

The owner gives him another one.

Trump swallows it and asks for another one.

Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket."
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
helvknight (Founding Member) 27 Aug 16, 01:36Post
A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds. One cold evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair.
On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found.
The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird.
"I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."
The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please dear," she said, "not in front of the chilled wren."
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 07 Sep 16, 13:58Post
Jeff was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized
he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver!
She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just yanking your chain. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 13 Sep 16, 09:43Post
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’m disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

He answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans I took them to the recycling center!"
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
helvknight (Founding Member) 13 Sep 16, 10:19Post
When Donald Trump died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. Trump called the undertaker aside for a private little talk. "Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."

"Rest assured, Mrs. Trump," comforted the under- taker. "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off."

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving Donald's ancient corpse quite a going over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. Trump offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "What's a few nails?"
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 11 Oct 16, 12:43Post
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall"
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
Mark 12 Oct 16, 00:22Post
I remember on a flight from MSP to Des Moines, the flight attendant of the DC9-10 commenting, "Welcome aboard Republic Airlines flight 1130, providing nonstop service from MSP to DSM." One of the people in first class spoke up, "Pretty hard for it NOT to be nonstop."
Commercial aircraft flown in: B712 B722 B732 B734 B737 B738 B741 B742 B744 B752 B753 B762 B772 A310 A318 A319 A320 A321 DC91 DC93 DC94 DC1030 DC1040 F100 MD82 MD83 A223 CR2 CR7 E175
helvknight (Founding Member) 12 Oct 16, 02:49Post
There is one positive aspect of Brexit.

You can now get Euros and Dollars at Poundland.
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
helvknight (Founding Member) 25 Nov 16, 04:59Post
Today marks 6 months without drinking a drop of Coca Cola or any kinds of soft drink ! 6 months without eating bread, cake or any junk food. The changes in my body have been fantastic, I feel great, I lost weight, and my way of thinking is very positive... I'm looking to keep this up and go for more. Because now I'm disciplined I'm not going to drink any more alcohol, I will be eating healthily, and above all, I will do 2 hours of exercise every day!!!

No idea who's status this is but I felt that I'd like to share it.
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
helvknight (Founding Member) 26 Nov 16, 06:41Post
Book of Revelations, 8:1-2 : "The world will end with trumpets"

God: "No! I said the world will end with Trump/Pence"
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
miamiair (netAirspace FAA) 08 Dec 16, 13:25Post
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed then to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was most generously endowed in the hair department.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Well, did you see?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"
And let's get one thing straight. There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist in love with flight. — E. B. Jeppesen
ORFflyer (Founding Member) 08 Dec 16, 18:39Post
miamiair wrote:"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"


{laugh} {laugh} {laugh}

You owe me a keyboard.....
Rack-em'. I'm getting a beer.
Zak (netAirspace FAA) 14 Dec 16, 17:52Post


{laugh}
Ideology: The mistaken belief that your beliefs are neither beliefs nor mistaken.
ORFflyer (Founding Member) 15 Dec 16, 13:02Post
Zak wrote:

{thumbsup} {laugh}
Rack-em'. I'm getting a beer.
Zak (netAirspace FAA) 16 Dec 16, 14:24Post
Whenever Ed is patching up our live server, I sometimes imagine it must look something like this:



:))
Ideology: The mistaken belief that your beliefs are neither beliefs nor mistaken.
Zak (netAirspace FAA) 19 Dec 16, 11:16Post
Snakes on a Plane, Miniatur Wunderland edition: :))



(They currently publish videos like this one every day on their Christmas Calendar page: http://www.miniatur-wunderland.de/commu ... nder-2016/ )
Ideology: The mistaken belief that your beliefs are neither beliefs nor mistaken.
helvknight (Founding Member) 23 Dec 16, 20:47Post
After 7 years training and several more years in public practice, a good friend of mine has been found guilty of gross professional misconduct and struck off. He can no longer work in the medical profession he devoted his life to.

He had sex with a patient. It was, he says, consensual. Neither was married, but rules are rules. Anyway, all that training down the drain. Nice one, 2016.

Here's to Dave. A good mate and the best vet I've ever known.
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
ShanwickOceanic (netAirspace FAA) 05 Jan 17, 23:08Post
It's barbecue day in Heaven, and Jesus has been allowed to cook as long as it isn't bread and fish for the hundredth time. He's supervising a batch of chicken when God walks up, beer in hand, and asks, "How much longer?"

"Dunno," Jesus shrugs. "Ten minutes maybe?"

God gets that lightning-throwing look. "Ten minutes?! I created chickens in less time than that! Look, I'm absolutely starving. Can't you do some of your miracle stuff? Just one piece?"

"Oh, all right Dad," sighs Jesus. He clicks his fingers and points to a big juicy piece of chicken that's suddenly cooked to perfection. "Thigh will be done."
My friend and I applied for airline jobs in Australia, but they didn't Qantas.
helvknight (Founding Member) 11 Jan 17, 12:09Post
NIXON - "No way can you pull off a more scandal-ridden Presidency than I did"

TRUMP- "Hold my beer"

NIXON - "Hang on. This isn't beer"
Hire Engineers to drive the vision and execute a plan. Hire MBAs to shuffle the papers and work in sales. Hire Accountants to manage your staff working a viable livable wage, and never have either an Accountant or an MBA run your company. - Steve Jobs
 

Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests

LEFT

RIGHT
CONTENT